Wow, it's been a really long time since I blogged...Here we go.... Last time I wrote, Mylah had just turned 4 and I feel like she's 'almost 5'...I've been saying that for such a long time, pretty much since she turned 4. Probably because Kindergarten is so quickly approaching, and I'm both excited and sad. Excited for her because she is excited for this new adventure. Sad because it means I will not be included in her life from 8 am - 2 pm each day. She will be experiencing a whole new world without me, and Matt and I have pretty much been her world for the last 4.5 years... It sounds pretty painful to me! There are all sorts of parents in the world, but we had kids b/c we love kids, we want to be with them. I remember hearing people count down the years until their kids leave the house...I tell you what...I'm dreading that day with a passion! The day we take Mylah to college (if she lives on campus) will be one of the hardest days of my life. I will very likely cry myself to sleep that night! I want to be with my kids each day of their lives...so the thought of surrendering them to a school for all those hours is a little tough. But I know I am not called to homeschool and I know it's a good and healthy thing for her. So, alas, we will walk her to the bus stop come September, with heavy hearts and count down the hours until we will go wait for the bus to pick her up. It's my first child going to school, so for those veteran parents who look forward to the first day of school, well, I'm just not there yet!

I'm excited for Ivey to be the oldest while Mylah is in school. I'm interested to see how her personality will change being the one 'in charge'. There are so many decisions she makes that she follows Mylah in...food choices, games, toys, tv, etc...I want her to do what SHE wants, not just do things b/c big sissy is doing them.

And Elyanah, well, she is starting to walk more and more each day, still crawls if she's in a hurry, though. She is talking more, grunting more... She loves to play in the Dora Kitchen and discover all these little things that her big sissys play with. She is very curious and it's been fun to see her develop over the past year into a little girl from a baby. She's beautiful, has two little dimples that hide when I look for them, but I swear they are there! She's got lighter brown eyes than the big girls and she's just really darn cute!

As for Matt and I, well, we're actually in a season of some grief right now. We found out we were expecting in April...due the day after Christmas. I was so looking forward to our fourth child here on earth. I thought the time would just fly by with Mylah starting school, usually September starts and all of a sudden we're in Christmas...but sadly, we lost our little one and our second child was born into Heaven. We had a miscarriage when we were newly married in 2004, and went on to have three awesome pregnancies. So with this fifth pregnancy (hence the name change...mother of five), it never even occured to me that we would ever miscarry again. And the unthinkable happened. It's hard to think about what is next. Will we have more? We have three amazing little girls, we're SO BLESSED. Having to say goodbye to your child inside your womb is just one of the hardest and unthinkable things we've dealt with in our lives. We deal with it everyday. In little ways, approaching 'due dates' of what should've been, thinking about how old our first would be... When the holidays come around...doing our yearly family ornament, when strangers ask how many kids we have... Our kids are awesome. We named our first baby 'Jule', we believed it was a boy. So we have ornaments with Jule's name on it from 04 and each year after. We include him in our family ornament. We teach our girls about their brother in heaven. And they are so proud. Mylah has no problem telling anyone, grocery check out person, the dental hygenist... if I ever said I had three kids she will fight me and say, 'no mommy, you have four kids, Jule, our brother lives in Heaven'. Makes for an awkward silence!!! So recently we told our girls about their new sibling. We felt, again, that we had a son inside. We named him Obediah which means 'servant of God'. When we told them, through tears of course, Mylah started to cheer because she was so excited to have another brother in Heaven. It won't be for years that she'll realize the pain that comes with having a child in Heaven. And that's OK, I don't want her to feel that pain, ever. I asked Ivey what she thought one day, and she said she was sad because she never got to play with Obediah. That makes me sad. Matt and I lost out on having another child here to raise and snuggle and love, but they also lost out on that...never to play with him, or fight over a toy with him. It's their loss, too.

It's rare for me to talk about our kids in Heaven because it's such a painful topic and such a personal one. But lately, over the past few months, I've felt like there is more that I should be doing with these losses. I never know what to do with them. But I feel like talking about it, or blogging about it is one thing I can do. There are so many families that are dealing with this heartache, and don't I owe it to my boys to do something with it? To honor their lives in some way? So I'll keep trying to find ways. I'm open to suggestions.

Recently a close friend lost her daughter, and has "joined the club" that no one wants to join. And we are walking through the valley together. It's interesting how God brings people into your path for certain times...and our paths have crossed at this time in a new way, sadly. And it's hard to look at some friends' baby pictures because there are so many people who are giving birth lately. And it just kind of reminds you of the loss, the pain. You see on the pictures, the faces of newborns...the joy...the excitement...all those things that should've been for you. It's not easy. But we weren't promised easy, were we?

John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" The words "YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE" were a promise from God's word...not one I like to meditate on! lol... Nothing made me exempt from this trouble. The things I used to think would exempt me from the 'trouble' ... the way I lived my life trying to be the perfect Christian, thinking that because Matt and I waited, were virgins when we got married, went to church each week, served until we had nothing left in us...those things didn't exempt us from trials. They only were used as fuel to say, 'but God, I did this and this...how could you?!' I am not exempt from troubles. Now I just keep walking this road, one that I would never have chosen for myself or my family. I don't wish this road on anyone, not an enemy, no one. But this is the path that He has chosen for us, for some reason...

Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Mylah is 4!

We had a nice relaxing week while Matt was away for training in Atlanta. The girls did great, didn't cry in sadness over missing him. They missed him, but they did great. Ivey moved into her big girl bed and Elyanah FINALLY moved into her crib, which we still have in our room for now. I need to get her on her sleeping schedule at night and for naps. She's doing great at night, goes down by herself...but her afternoon nap is only an hour. So I have to work on her staying down longer in the afternoon. Just a little tweeking here and there, and she'll be ready to go into the room with her big sissy.

We picked Matt up on Friday of that week, we left the house at 9:30 pm to pick him up at 10:30 pm in Buffalo. It was a good drive, talked to my mom the whole way while the girls slept. And we dodged accidents all night. When I got off the toll booth in Buf. there was someone in my lane driving right at me! So I hit the brakes and honked and he realized he was in the wrong lane. It certainly got my heart racing! So we picked up Matt and got on the road to Albany...and four hours later arrived. We stayed at the Marriot on Wolf Rd...such a nice hotel...for free b/c of my hotel discount. We were wiped out, and slept in til 9 am. I took the big girls swimming for about 15 minutes and then started getting ready for the day. As I was bathing the girls, I told Mylah that we were getting ready for her birthday party. She got so excited...it was so fun telling her! We got to grandma's for the pizza party ...then went to Goold's Orchards to go apple picking, then back to grandma's for cake/ice cream & presents. It was a really fun time, she had a blast with all her cousins and got some great gifts. She's now into Barbies which is so fun to watch her dolls interact w/ eachother, how she makes them characters and makes up stories. Most of the characters and stories are from movies or tv shows, and sometimes just from her head. I can't believe she's 4. She's such a big girl, it's been amazing so far to watch her grow and become such a great big sister and just a lovely girl.

Then that Sunday, my in-laws renewed their vows and had a banquet. It was so nice! They've been married for 35 years...what a legacy!!! Both mine and Matt's parents have been married 35 years, our grandparents married 'til death' or still are, their parents...etc.....we have a legacy of marriage in our family, and I thank God for it! What an example we have in our families of commitment to marriage. And we saw extended family that we only see at weddings and funerals. It was nice to see them at a celebration! And the girls got to meet cousins they'd never met. It was just a day filled with joy...and Matt's parents beamed like it was their wedding day all over again...too cute!

The next day was Mylah's 'real' b-day and we saw my mom and my grandfather (who mom is caring for) my sister & nieces & nephew. Mom went to Puerto Rico to get him a few weeks ago. It was nice to see him, and have Matt and the girls meet him for the first time. And to have all his great grandchildren in one spot...that was really neat. (Well, not all, Zoe is still in Melissa's belly...but she'll meet him soon, I'm sure) We got home way too late and had Mylah's slumber party in the living room, her and Ivey on the air mattress and Matt and I on the couch for Beauty and the Beast. They stayed up the whole time...til after midnight...Matt and I fell asleep...then we moved the air mattress to our room and had our sleepover. It was great...my first born is 4! Wow...time has flown by and next year is Kindergarten (sniff sniff) I'm so proud of her. Her name means 'merciful maiden'....and it's so her. She is just such a forgiving little girl who sees the best in people and loves unconditionally. I just LOVE HER!!!

While Daddy's away...

Matt is away this week in Atlanta for training, so it's just the girls home. It's been fun, only day # 2, but they are doing great. Usually when Matt is away, they are much more emotional and cry alot about missing Daddy, but thank you Jesus, they are adjusting fine! Lately we've been very careful to say things like 'it's ok to miss people when they leave' and stop the conversation right there. They used to stress about when mommy and daddy were going to work, and when they ask, we only give them information for that day, otherwise, they would stress that mommy had to work tomorrow! So now we say not to worry about tomorrow...and stay in the present. Funny how you have to learn how your kids tick and roll with the punches.

Ivey (our middle one) has been in her crib all her life. Recently Matt took off the front of it to make it a 'day bed' and she loved it and did so well sleeping in it. Now that Elyanah (the baby) is 5 months old, we REALLY need to get her in the crib! And Ivey just hasn't wanted to go into the toddler bed, and I haven't wanted to push her. She is, I'm finding, sensitive, so I've been very careful not to change alot since we brought the baby home. So I haven't pushed the crib issue. But I was thinking that maybe she didn't want to sleep in the toddler bed b/c it was on the other side of the room, not 'her' side. (totally a God-thought!) So today I moved the toddler bed to 'her' side and she said all excited 'ohhhh...my big girl bed!' It was funny, and she's down for her nap and went so naturally! Like it just makes sense, this is where she sleeps, whether a crib is there or a bed, this is 'her' spot in this room. She didn't even really look at the crib as an option anymore cuz it's not in her spot. YAY!!! So after naps, I will put together the crib for Elyanah. I'm so excited! I love seeing the crib with the crib skirt and bumper and the headboard! It's so fun, cuz it's so baby-ish! And Elyanah needs more space. She is still in the pack and play bassinet insert. I will miss her dearly putting her in Ivey's room, but I know it's the best for her. I'm hoping that before Matt comes home, we'll have the pack and play out of our room! (what a neat thought!)

I'm a little concerned about Mylah (firstborn), I don't want her to feel left out of the room. She has her own big girl room, but lately has been wanting to sleep in Ivey's room in the big girl bed. And now that it's not an option, should be interesting. Also have to figure out naptime, don't know if Elyanah and Ivey can sleep in the same room for naps.

This is my life........funny the things we worry about in all the different stages of life. I'm concerned about beds and naptimes. Used to be concerned about the office and busy being pulled by my job and ministry. Now this is my ministry...still adjusting...and it's been almost 4 years!

Crazy Night

Last night was insane. Ivey goes down to sleep early and Mylah follows in later. When Mylah went to bed, she ended up waking Ivey, which we always threaten we'll take "Isabella" her doll. So she woke her up, we took Isabella and that was just the beginning. I know it was like 1 am-ish before Ivey fell back asleep in our room in a pack and play b/c they couldn't be in the same room. Mylah was having issues being in her room, so that was a constant issue, she ended up coming in around 3:30 which I do not even remember. And all this after working all Saturday night and getting 3 1/2 hour nap in the afternoon. So needless to say, I need to catch up on sleep! Ivey is also getting both her bottom molars, so I know that's been an issue with her sleeping, too. Totally wishing and dreaming of having 3 bedrooms! Someday...

It was so nice to be back at church after missing 3 weeks! 2 for being back in Albany and last week when the girls were sick, Matt had been up all night with them and I had been up all night working, so we had a sleepy day. God is so good, continually confirming that this is our church...each week after church we feel more and more connected. In a church of 2000, having a small group has been awesome, we always see our small group leader and couples from it that we connect with after church, so instead of leaving each Sunday missing belonging to a church, like we did when we first moved, we leave church so excited that God is giving us a place here with church and people! So yay! Now next week we'll miss AGAIN since Matt has training in Georgia, we'll be in Albany where he's flying out of. But I'm hoping to catch one of the services online, just can't go another week missing it again! But it will be nice spending a week back home to hang. The company will be nice!

Thats it for my first blog...yay, fun!