Wow, it's been a really long time since I blogged...Here we go.... Last time I wrote, Mylah had just turned 4 and I feel like she's 'almost 5'...I've been saying that for such a long time, pretty much since she turned 4. Probably because Kindergarten is so quickly approaching, and I'm both excited and sad. Excited for her because she is excited for this new adventure. Sad because it means I will not be included in her life from 8 am - 2 pm each day. She will be experiencing a whole new world without me, and Matt and I have pretty much been her world for the last 4.5 years... It sounds pretty painful to me! There are all sorts of parents in the world, but we had kids b/c we love kids, we want to be with them. I remember hearing people count down the years until their kids leave the house...I tell you what...I'm dreading that day with a passion! The day we take Mylah to college (if she lives on campus) will be one of the hardest days of my life. I will very likely cry myself to sleep that night! I want to be with my kids each day of their lives...so the thought of surrendering them to a school for all those hours is a little tough. But I know I am not called to homeschool and I know it's a good and healthy thing for her. So, alas, we will walk her to the bus stop come September, with heavy hearts and count down the hours until we will go wait for the bus to pick her up. It's my first child going to school, so for those veteran parents who look forward to the first day of school, well, I'm just not there yet!

I'm excited for Ivey to be the oldest while Mylah is in school. I'm interested to see how her personality will change being the one 'in charge'. There are so many decisions she makes that she follows Mylah in...food choices, games, toys, tv, etc...I want her to do what SHE wants, not just do things b/c big sissy is doing them.

And Elyanah, well, she is starting to walk more and more each day, still crawls if she's in a hurry, though. She is talking more, grunting more... She loves to play in the Dora Kitchen and discover all these little things that her big sissys play with. She is very curious and it's been fun to see her develop over the past year into a little girl from a baby. She's beautiful, has two little dimples that hide when I look for them, but I swear they are there! She's got lighter brown eyes than the big girls and she's just really darn cute!

As for Matt and I, well, we're actually in a season of some grief right now. We found out we were expecting in April...due the day after Christmas. I was so looking forward to our fourth child here on earth. I thought the time would just fly by with Mylah starting school, usually September starts and all of a sudden we're in Christmas...but sadly, we lost our little one and our second child was born into Heaven. We had a miscarriage when we were newly married in 2004, and went on to have three awesome pregnancies. So with this fifth pregnancy (hence the name change...mother of five), it never even occured to me that we would ever miscarry again. And the unthinkable happened. It's hard to think about what is next. Will we have more? We have three amazing little girls, we're SO BLESSED. Having to say goodbye to your child inside your womb is just one of the hardest and unthinkable things we've dealt with in our lives. We deal with it everyday. In little ways, approaching 'due dates' of what should've been, thinking about how old our first would be... When the holidays come around...doing our yearly family ornament, when strangers ask how many kids we have... Our kids are awesome. We named our first baby 'Jule', we believed it was a boy. So we have ornaments with Jule's name on it from 04 and each year after. We include him in our family ornament. We teach our girls about their brother in heaven. And they are so proud. Mylah has no problem telling anyone, grocery check out person, the dental hygenist... if I ever said I had three kids she will fight me and say, 'no mommy, you have four kids, Jule, our brother lives in Heaven'. Makes for an awkward silence!!! So recently we told our girls about their new sibling. We felt, again, that we had a son inside. We named him Obediah which means 'servant of God'. When we told them, through tears of course, Mylah started to cheer because she was so excited to have another brother in Heaven. It won't be for years that she'll realize the pain that comes with having a child in Heaven. And that's OK, I don't want her to feel that pain, ever. I asked Ivey what she thought one day, and she said she was sad because she never got to play with Obediah. That makes me sad. Matt and I lost out on having another child here to raise and snuggle and love, but they also lost out on that...never to play with him, or fight over a toy with him. It's their loss, too.

It's rare for me to talk about our kids in Heaven because it's such a painful topic and such a personal one. But lately, over the past few months, I've felt like there is more that I should be doing with these losses. I never know what to do with them. But I feel like talking about it, or blogging about it is one thing I can do. There are so many families that are dealing with this heartache, and don't I owe it to my boys to do something with it? To honor their lives in some way? So I'll keep trying to find ways. I'm open to suggestions.

Recently a close friend lost her daughter, and has "joined the club" that no one wants to join. And we are walking through the valley together. It's interesting how God brings people into your path for certain times...and our paths have crossed at this time in a new way, sadly. And it's hard to look at some friends' baby pictures because there are so many people who are giving birth lately. And it just kind of reminds you of the loss, the pain. You see on the pictures, the faces of newborns...the joy...the excitement...all those things that should've been for you. It's not easy. But we weren't promised easy, were we?

John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" The words "YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE" were a promise from God's word...not one I like to meditate on! lol... Nothing made me exempt from this trouble. The things I used to think would exempt me from the 'trouble' ... the way I lived my life trying to be the perfect Christian, thinking that because Matt and I waited, were virgins when we got married, went to church each week, served until we had nothing left in us...those things didn't exempt us from trials. They only were used as fuel to say, 'but God, I did this and this...how could you?!' I am not exempt from troubles. Now I just keep walking this road, one that I would never have chosen for myself or my family. I don't wish this road on anyone, not an enemy, no one. But this is the path that He has chosen for us, for some reason...

Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."